it was started in beautifull day when i still enjoying my free time at home. wearing short and t-shirt, still with my long hair plus purple glasses-
when guests come to offer insurance policy to me (hello? insurance policy? what would i know about it?) .. anyway, i listen to him & wondering "what on earth, he used a bottle of perfume today? .. smells like he's taking shower with it" ...
then that's all about it, 'til we end up with first date- second date- and finally we live together.
we rent a house, we fill in all furnitures, and even talked about getting married- for next year. After 2 times cancelation, for our schedule to busy with works.
I've bring up all stuff that matters from indonesia, to create different wedding party than others- to give special memories to ours.
we went to some countries together, i even introduce him to all my families members- in indonesia ... we have so much fun together, sadness and happiness .. yes, we do fight sometimes- but we end up in 5 minutes n get better each day.
until the day when i was working overseas (i'll finish my overseas term, n heading back home for last time - in regards of wedding's plan) and he told me that he fall in love with his x- girl friend from 5 years ago ..
so it was started even 1 month bfore my coming back- and he kept doing it.
he supposed to protect our relationship, n let it flow more - but he just not the strong person & not the right person...
my heart was left only pieces when i heard he say he love this girl, and he doesnt love me- only pity .. it was so rude, for someone who used to say that he missed me so much when i was gone, that he wants to hug me whenever we're together .. it's so hurt & too much pain
2 years relationship compare to 5 years ago x- girlfriend seems no meaning to him, at all ..
he kept doing this and no guilty feeling at all - ...
is he having mental problem? is he the person i know so far? is this chanrith i know? ( his name is chanrith - you can see him on my blog bfore "my biggest love" ) ...
it wasnt like him .. even until today-
it's like 2 different person, in morning time and night time-
no, doesnt mean about having sex ... it just different! He can come back home and talk to me nicely - acting like he cares a lot about me, even sometimes help me when i'm sick.
But when morning come, he act like a stranger ... he's affraid to see me, and near me.
All things he's been saying also not stable - one minute he can say he will, other minute he can say he will not ....
how would a person change so fast, like that? ... was it common?
people said it might happen when someone get heavy burden, which triggers to madness-
i think he will ...
what i dont understand, he start acting like a child ... playing with his new toys, and forget old ones- It's not like chanrith, i knew all these time (or maybe i never know him ...)
i shouldn't regret what's happening to me now .. its all part of my journey in the world-
it was one day, i regret .. really ... when i decided to end my life- on sunday afternoon ..
i felt so lost and lonelly - i give everything for this relationship, hoping that this will bring me happiness and family ... i was wrong, totally wrong n couldnt take what's happening to me now ...
it was such a big decision, when i think about it-
i cried, i mourn .. but something hold me on ...
(if not, i wouldn't be here right now..)my friend told me that there's nothing in this world, allowed me to take my own life-
i can risk my life only for my mom, but not for someone else, even my husband....
think about it- and it's true! ...that's how i decide to start my life again ..
we've discussed open about me goin back to indonesia (this is also from his will - such a rude person) .. and i've ask his help with compensation of my life so far, that he ruined just in 5 seconds ...
( i couldnt back now, no job waiting for me, and i couldnt back starting my life with nothing)hard and lonely and sometimes i still cry .. struggle to find what my meaning & purpose of my life ... i couldn't run away, i need to face it - i still have my pride & confidence & skills .. and i will use it to proof that i can live!
he used to tell me that he's happy to live with me, until my time to go - it's just part of his games .. he wants both & i become his spare part.
why would he needs me? ...
he never home, each time back home it's always after 12 midnight and morning time, he act strange between us & sometimes also creating more question - rejection - blaming - accusement.
he refused to be guilty for what he has done
(typicall of him) .....couldnt see what the use of introducing me, still as his girlfriend when he met up with his friends ... if our relationship doesn't base on love anymore ...
-all words he said against each others- this what i really dont understand, something has happening inside him, noone knows what it is - maybe its his psychological issue-he said he will not married this girl, when he break up he will not go out n introduce her as his gf to everybody, he doesnt want to kiss her, he even affraid to make love with her-
" what kind of nonsense is he trying to tell me about? "
i dont care what he's doing with her, or with some other girl after we finish- what's happening with him? ...
he kept telling me that one day, when he recover (from what??) he'll come back and find me, and when he finally find me - he'll ask to me to marry him ... cause i'm his best gf!
it's such a non-sense .. when i walk away, there'll be few more girls coming in & out, and he won't even remember me. How could he say things like this?
he wants to push and pull me at the same time ... Love-Hated Relationship ...
there was so many things, i want to share - but not possible, cause it will finish the whole page of my blog
(n shouldn't be..) ..
i want all my friends to know what's happening , what really happening ... not only bluffing from him, to save his face & his pride ...
this is what's happening!
once u start this conversation, he will start by saying that i'm not a good gf - cause always bring troubles, and never show happy face while he's around with his friend
(note: it was always more on drinking n drunk, and always about him ..)how would u get ur family with a husband, spend most of night outside with bars - and easy to grab any girl, just for joking? .. when beer is like a water for him? .. when house is only a place for sleep? .. when cars and new cellphone is first priority rather than house? .. when working on sunday was more important than spending quality time with family? ..
all this time, i keep myself survive- and wishing there'll be changes on our life together- for our happiness, for our family, for our future...
i was wrong .. all he cares about is only himself ..
for 2 years, i've been blind of love ... i love him more than i suppose to be-
even many times, my mind still back to him - longing to have his hug and careness ...
still i would remind myself of how many times he's been lying to me, how long has he been using me, how cruel his feeling cheating on me, hatred words he used to say to me- ...
even i still want us to be back normal ...
.... to share sadness & happines, like before - like he used to say to me ...
